Comedy Thread

[kellys_eye]

You missed 'political policy', 'man made climate change', 'multiple genders' etc....

 

[bertus]

Thanks cmartinez AAC

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[Delta Prime]

Okay I got a joke.
A man who loved to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around & couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; & I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”
The man, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, “Didn’t you hear what I said? I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride'”.
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”

 

[Delta Prime]

Courtesy : Electronic Design Fluke Calibration humor.

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[Delta Prime]

Okay, here's a joke, it always makes me laugh I call it."The Kitchen Sink"

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg,Georg Ohm,
Galileo Galilei, Max Planck,and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...
...when they got pulled over for speeding.However,when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going,he couldn't get a straight answer,and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.
So all 7 of them are taken to the police station,and individually questioned.
First,they were asked simply"Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg,the driver,said"It was definitely somewhere between 0 and 180 miles per hour.I can tell you exactly where we were though."
Newton says"We were going 92 miles per hour when we were pulled over-and here's the differential equation that proves it."
Einstein says"I'm relatively sure we were stationary-the earth beneath us was moving at 92 miles per hour."
Galileo says"We were going 67,000 miles per hour around the sun."
Broglie says"Um...Uh.Wavelength?"
Planck says"I believe we were moving at around ten duodecillion quanta per hour,give or take."
And finally Ohm,no matter how many times he was asked, screamed"I won't go! I won't! You'll never take me alive!"

 

[Delta Prime]

If this is true I cannot wait to get married

 

[bertus]

 

[Delta Prime]

An Abbott and Costello joke...but this one's funny.
Kind of...
Costello: Bud, you should make sure to marry a homely girl.

Abbott: Why's that?

Costello: Well, a pretty girl is liable to run away.

Abbott: Isn't a homely girl liable to run away, too?

Costello: Yeah, but who cares!

 

[bertus]

 

[Kiwi]

Looks like I am officially old.

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[bertus]

 

[73's de Edd]

I wonder what the overall clawing / vs / gnawing ratio was ? . . . . . . . with a bit of relaxing head and neck rubbing being thrown in.

 

[Delta Prime]

I'm sure he had softened up the post now and then with that, putative cat pheromone,we all know & love...
There's two sides to every cat.
You got to see this!
No Way...

 

[Delta Prime]

A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.
The engineer lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"
The doctor nodded in agreement.
The vicar saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come that group ahead of us are so slow?”
The green keeper replied, "Oh, they’re all blind firemen. They all lost their sight pulling school children out of a burning building, so they can play anytime for free.”
Everyone was silent for a few seconds.
The vicar finally said, "Oh dear. I’ll be sure to pray for them. Well done on such charitable work good fellow."
The doctor added, "Yes, well done to you. I’ll make sure they get the best treatment at the eye unit in the hospital too."
The engineer, arms folded, tapping his feet said, "Ok, but if they’re blind then why can’t they play at night?

 

[Delta Prime]

All right,this is a good one!

A policeman pulls over a car with a man driving without a seat belt on.
As he walks up he notices a woman in the car with him.
He tells the man he is going to get a ticket for the seat belt violation.
The man starts arguing that he had the seat belt on and just took it off when he spotted him.
So the policeman leans in and says:
"Ma'am you look like a honest woman. Did he have his seat belt on?"
She looks a the policeman and says:
"Officer I have made it a policy of mine to never argue with him when he's been drinking".

 

[73's de Edd]

 

[73's de Edd]

My current bench project . . . . .