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Comedy Thread

Gryd3

Jun 25, 2014
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Does anyone here look at xkcd?
I found a circuit diagram that still looks better than some of the other chicken scratch we see.
http://xkcd.com/730/
 

davenn

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Sep 5, 2009
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Last edited:

davenn

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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...

A wife comes home early from a trip late at night, and
quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your Parents have come to visit us,
so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say "hello"?
 

davenn

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Larry's class were on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board
of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One...
of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said
the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to
capture him.
Larry
asked, "Why didn't
you keep him when you took his picture ? "
 

poor mystic

Apr 8, 2011
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Electronics Point Forum has stolen a march on Failblog...
 

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davenn

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time for a giggle :)

Australia.jpg

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour... (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
 

mrmodify

Feb 13, 2010
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HOW FIGHTS START:


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels .

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Lots of dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

That's when the fight began . . .

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning . . . the start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight starte
 

shrtrnd

Jan 15, 2010
3,870
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Messages
3,870
I'm offended, putting an old guy on the spot like that. Some young Fokker, asking some old Fokker about the mile-high club.
He obviously did alright. The young girl in the background seems happy enough about the experience.
It looks like he Fokker ok to me.
 

loudandgreen

Dec 22, 2015
12
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Dec 22, 2015
Messages
12
Sadly the next few lines are my real life wtf moments.....

I find a video on utube that's interesting and looks very helpful to me learning this and that of this fabulous new hobby.

I turn down radio to get ready to watch video.

get distracted and turn radio back up.

I remember the video and turn down radio to get ready to watch video.

get distracted and turn radio back up

all that walking back and forth across room has made me hungry for pizza.

put pizza in oven.

remembering that video I turn radio back down.

getting thirsty....while in fridge I see the oranges, gota have an orange.

done with orange and pizza is done....turn up radio while enjoying my pizza.

Now what was I doing?.....mmm this pizza is pretty good. It does need more cheese though.

sippin on my tea I vaguely remember watching something or trying to watch something.

tummy full and happy.... time for a nap.

Hours later I remember what I was suppose to be doing.....usually while doing something totally different!
 
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