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Comedy Thread

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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Women!You have to love them...
I asked my girlfriend."Why don't you pay attention to me like you used too? She said." Well,the spark between us had gone."So, I tasered her! I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.
 

Delta Prime

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If you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.
 

Delta Prime

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I met a Nuclear Engineer the other day.​

He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.
;)
 

Delta Prime

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Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
 

Delta Prime

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A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...
A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met to have another vote....

The pastor said to his audience, "Children are a gift from God, and we should welcome as many gifts as He gives"

Silence fell over the congregation until an old women spoke up from the back pew.

"Father, rain is a gift from God, too, but when we get too much of it we put on our rubbers"
 

Delta Prime

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A man walks into a diner. An attractive young waitress comes to take his order. He smiles at her and says, “I’d like a quickie, please.”
She gives him a sour look and says, “Haha, but seriously, what can I get you to eat?”
“Seriously,” he says. “I’d like a quickie. Can I have a quickie?”
Now the waitress is getting irritated. “Hold on, I’ll be right back,” she says. When she returns, she has the burly cook with her: “OK, sir, let’s try this again. What would you like to order?”
“I’d really like a quickie, just like I was telling the waitress here.”
The cook loses his patience, grabs the man by his shirt, and starts to hustle him out of the diner. On the way out, a guy sitting at the next booth calls out to him: “Hey buddy, just so you know for next time: "Quiche." Is pronounced
"Keesh".
 
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Delta Prime

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A guy is in for a job interview, and the interviewer asks him “What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?”

The guy replies “Honesty. I’m honest with everyone; I don’t know how to be anything other than completely honest with every single person I meet.”

The interviewer says “I don’t really see how honesty could be considered a weakness? In fact, I think honesty is a great strength!”

To which the guy replies “I don’t really give a sh!t what you think.”
 

Delta Prime

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man is driving along the road when he realizes he's lost. He stops to ask a passer by.

"Excuse me, could you help me please? I have a meeting at 2pm, I'm running 30 mins late and I have no idea where I am!"

"Of course!" said the stranger. "You are in a car, on the A43 heading north, approximately 7miles and 400 metres from the city centre, 40º longitude and 58º latitude."

"You work for the government, am I right?" Asked the driver.

"Yes! How did you guess?"

"Quite simple: everything you just told me is technically correct, but practically useless. I'm still lost, I'm still going to be late, and I have no idea what to do with your information."

"You are a politician, am I right?" Asks the man on the street.

"Yes! How did you guess?" replies the driver proudly.

"Quite simple. You have no idea where you're going, you've made a promise you can't keep and you expect someone else to solve your problem. In fact, you are in exactly the same situation that you were before you stopped to ask me, yet somehow, now it's my fault!"
 

Delta Prime

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Riddle me this!?

Q: David's father has three sons: Snap, Crackle, and _____?


A: David


Q: I am easy to lift, but hard to throw. What am I...........?



A: A feather.


Q: What goes up, but never comes down?



A: Age.


Q: A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed for three nights and rode out on Friday. How is this possible?



A: His horse's name is Friday.


Q: What is full of holes but still holds water?



A: A sponge


Q: How do you spell COW in thirteen letters?



A: SEE O DOUBLE YOU.


Q: Why is Europe like a frying pan?



A: Because it has Greece at the bottom.

My favorite!
Q: Who, is the only man on Earth, that has gotten all his work done by Friday....?



A: Robinson Crusoe! :p
 

Delta Prime

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Question: What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
Answer: A URLologist :p
 

Delta Prime

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Darn it! Where did the refrigerator salesman go! I was going to ask him a question.
I downloaded something illegal on my Samsung smart fridge. Did I break the copyright in-fridge-ment?
 

Delta Prime

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An older couple was having memory problems so they went to the doctor.

The doctor advised them to write things down to help them remember.

That night after they went to bed the old man got up to get ice cream, and the old lady asked him to get her some too.

He said ok and she asked if he was going to write it down.

He said, no I can remember that!

He was gone a long time and when he came back he handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She said: See! I told you to write it down. I wanted OJ
with mine!


1690302757895.jpg
 

Delta Prime

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A Scotsman, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman, are in a Japanese concentration camp. A genie appears and offers them all a wish each. The Englishman says, ‘I wish I was back in the lovely countryside of Derbyshire with my family’. The genie grants his wish and the Englishman disappears. The Scotsman says, ‘I wish I was back in Glasgow with all my muckers’. The genie grants his wish and the Scotsman disappears. The Welshman says, ‘I wish I was back in Snowdonia, with my beautiful wife.’ The genie grants his wish and the Welshman disappears. The Irish man says, ‘I’m lonely, I wish I had my 3 pals back.’
 

Delta Prime

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So.... a Scotsman goes on vacation to NYC, and decides to take in a Yankees home game, as he didn't understand baseball and wanted to learn more.
So he settles into his seat and the game starts. In the top of the second inning, he sees the pitcher walk the batter.
The Scotsman, not understanding, stands up, shouting "RUN, MAN! RUN!!"
The man sitting in front of him turns around and says, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
The Scotsman thinks about this for a moment, and then shouts "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"
 

Delta Prime

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche to 100 kmph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150 ...then 170 ...
Suddenly, he thought, I'm too old for this nonsense ! '' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
The officer walked up to him , looked at his watch and said , ''Sir , my shift ends in ten minutes , Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend , If you can give me a reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding , I'll let you go ''
The Man looked very seriously at the police man , and replied , '' Years ago , my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back , ''
The Cop left saying ''Have a great day, Sir"
 

Delta Prime

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Irish archaeologists were excavating a certain location and found what appeared to be ancient long copper wires. After a bit of discussion, it was announced that the ancient Irish had created the first telephone communication network.
Scottish archaeologists, not to be outdone by the Irish, found what appeared to be ancient long glass strands on one of their excavations. After some discussion, it was announced they the ancient Scots must have created the first fiber optic network.
English archaeologists, in a fit of national pride, began digs all over England, but after years of searching, found nothing like the Irish or Scottish had.
After some discussion, it was announced that the ancient English had most certainly created the first wireless network.
 
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