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Comedy Thread

roughshawd

Jul 13, 2020
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Every time I need something, I hop in my car and run to the store where it's either Sunday and they are closed, or for some other reason they are not open, like legal disputes, foreclosures or an untimely death of someone I have never heard of.
 

roughshawd

Jul 13, 2020
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Out of all the movies on home entertainment media, I cannot seem to find my favorite one.... Personally I don't think I have a copy, but that doesn't mean it isn't in there somewhere....
 

roughshawd

Jul 13, 2020
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Why isn't my wireless mic working... Hey you roady dumass, did you change the batteries ... Oh there it goes....
 

roughshawd

Jul 13, 2020
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Old entertainer introduces himself...
Hey, what do archaeologists, actors and handymen have in common....
Me.
 

roughshawd

Jul 13, 2020
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Electronics afficianados don't die, they just create new AI threads...
 

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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The good thing about Alzheimers
is you get to meet someone new
Every Day...
 

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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My dad was reading an article about a baby boy who was born without eyelids.
My Mom replied, " That was sad."
Dad said ." It wasn't so bad. They used the boy's foreskin from his circumcision to make new eyelids.
Mom said. "That was amazing."
Dad said, “ The only trouble is that he was a little cockeyed. "
 

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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I had 12 bottles of whiskey
…and my girlfriend_ told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass… which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass… which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again… they came to seventy-four.
I'm good for the rest of the year.
Happy New Year!
 

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK.
You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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Trump dies from a virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, swimming to the bottom and then resurfacing, over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" said Trump. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor, with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky... doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this!”
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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A man had suffered with terrible headaches for 7 years. The Doctors could do nothing to help. Finally, one doctor explained the only thing left that would work was castration. So he had his testicles removed.
His headaches immediately went away. He felt so good that he wanted to buy a new sport coat.
So he goes to a mens store and tells the salesman that he wants to purchase a sport coat.
The salesman says, you’re a 42 Regular. The man is impressed and asked how did you know. That’s my job the sales man states. Would you like some pants to go with that. The man is still excited and says sure. OK the salesman says.
"You’re a 36 / 30".The man says.
" No.I’m a 32 / 30 ".
The salesman says." Listen; if you wear a 32, it will squeeze your testicles so tight you’ll get headaches. :eek:
 

Maglatron

Jul 12, 2023
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man goes to a zoo with the family, there was only one animal, the dad goes this is a shit zoo!
 

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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man goes to a zoo with the family, there was only one animal, the dad goes this is a shit zoo!
Not supposed to use profanity, bad form! "Shih-tzu".
Brown mountains on the floor by I squat and leave them...
 

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 

Maglatron

Jul 12, 2023
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did you here the one about the broken pencil, nevermind, it's pointless
 

Maglatron

Jul 12, 2023
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the farmer thought he had 97 cows but when he rounded them up he had 100!
 

Maglatron

Jul 12, 2023
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what do you call a pumpkin divided by it's diameter, pumpkin pi
 

Maglatron

Jul 12, 2023
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I really wanted to find out the lowest rank in the army, but people kept telling me it was private!
 

Delta Prime

Jul 29, 2020
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An 87-year-old man walks into a sperm bank. The staff at the front desk asks him, “May we help you?”
He replies, “Yes, i’d lIke to make a donation.”
The staff person says, “Well, we have no age limits, so take this jar, go down to room four, and bring it back to the desk when you’re done.”
He’s gone for a long, long time, and the staff become worried about him.
They go knock on the door to room four and ask, “Sir, are you having a problem?”
He replies, “Well, yes I am. I’ve tried my right hand, and I’ve tried my left hand, and i’ve beat it up against the wall, and I still can’t get the top off this jar."
 
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