Comedy Thread

[thelad73]

I'm going on a Spa day Friday. Hoping to get some pot noodles, tea bags and chocolate digestives

 

[Delta Prime]

I'm going to meet you at your introduction I'll show you what funny is!! See you there

 

[thelad73]

I'm going to meet you at your introduction I'll show you what funny is!! See you there

you won't get my joke because you're a septic

 

[Delta Prime]

Now that's funny!!!you got me.... that was a good one

 

[Delta Prime]

Someday I hope to fall in love and get married to a girl just like her.

 

[Delta Prime]

I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) I went to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what in the world is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!

 

[Delta Prime]

A proper Englishman, wandering the heaths of Scotland, walks into a pub.
“My good man,” he says. “I hear you have 100 year-old Scotch. I would love a bit.”
The pub owner takes down a glass and pours an ounce.
After a sip, the Englishman says, “Oh my. My dear fellow! That is 20 year-old Scotch! I am here for the 100 year-old!”
The pub owner shakes his head, pulls another glass and bottle, and pours the libation.
the Englishman takes a sip and declares: “Oh! No! That is 50 year-old Scotch. I want the 100 year-old one. You have it, haven’t you?”
The pub owner, now cowed, pulls down another glass and a dusty bottle. He wipes off the bottle and pours it into the glass.
The Englishman takes a sip and sighs. “Ah. Now that’s the right stuff! Glorious!”
The man next to him nudges him and points to the glass he has pushed over.
“Try that!”
The Englishman takes a sip and spits it out. “Plah! That’s piss!”
The man replies: “Now tell me how old I am."

 

[ipromiseu]

Never fails to make me laugh!

 

[Delta Prime]

Never fails to make me laugh!

You just got here; give me time!!

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[Delta Prime]

A gold atom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “A, U! Get out!”

 

[Delta Prime]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside...

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[Delta Prime]

A faster than light neutrino; says ‘I'll have a whisky’, sits down, then walks into a bar.

 

[Maglatron]

what do you do when a band of circus folk are after you and want to kill you?
you go strait for the jugular

 

[Maglatron]

roy castle is beyonce's real dad but she doesn't like to admit it or she would be called beyonce castle

 

[Maglatron]

went to see a tribute band to UB-40 the other week, they were a bit rusty and stiff at the start but they got better with time you know what they were called?
WD-40!

 

[Delta Prime]

you know what they were called?

Yeah! Water Displacement 40.
Those were not funny at all but that's okay you're trying.
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

 

[Maglatron]

I thought it were rather funny have you ever used WD-40, it loosen nuts and bolts, rusty stiff nuts and bolts

 

[Delta Prime]

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it is on my list... You see that's funny!
I may have Rusty nuts...
Q: What do you call a cheap step-down power converter that costs under $1?
A: A buck converter